Feral Chylde

I don’t have enough tears to say how much I miss you.

A whole bag of awful

I don’t know if I can say it’s been a mixed blessing, but I awoke about 4am this morning because of a dream. I am a very lucid dreamer and often some of my memories my very well have been dreams, I simply can’t tell the difference. LAst night I dreamt about my cat, madison, who passed away over a year ago. He was 15 and had gotten very ill, I was too poor at the time to get him the help in time to save him, and I blame myself. He deserved so much better, My dream was simply me holding him and him looking me in the eyes and meowing at me like he used to. My boyfriend was there and we were talking about how the vet said he wouldn’t make it but he somehow had gotten better. I jolted awake and realized it wasn’t true and began to cry. I cried so hard I dry heaved. I say it may have been a mixed blessing because it was like getting to see him again, I could feel him. But also it was so cruel to have him ripped away from me. I want to be with him so badly. I know it sounds silly so some because he was ‘just a cat’ but I had him since her was 6 months old and he knew me better than anyone ever has or will, and was there for me through some of the darkest times in my life. I miss you madison, and I love you. We’ll be together again some day.

I feel like I could be standing in a crowd, screaming and no one would give a passing glance.

It’s ok, I don’t like me either.